thinks Marley's ghost is living in our radiator. Whole lotta chain-shaking sounds.

ramblings from the end of the world, or maybe just the year

The obligatory, Christams is coming so I'm going to procrastinate, blog post.

Why is my dad so friggin hard to buy for?!

Will I get this job at the city? And if I do, will I hate it or fail miserably?

Kitties are cute napping under christmas trees.

Toothpaste, wallet, egg nog and furniture feet pads going on Target list.

That was weird how I ran into Juan at Rosedale, huh?  Gave me the heebie-jeebies for weeks.  Felt his laser focused eyes burrowing through the back of my head.  I made a scan for mall security incase he lunged at me.  So, good to know he's still around.

So many good things this year.  Three job offers, four successful interviews, a move, a hope for some financial progress, almost a year straight of running, my first 5k, fly lady, the return of something missing . . . and many others I'm sure I'm forgetting.

Today, I walked home from church in a cardigan in the sunshine. Tonight, there's snow on the ground. Well played, Minnesota.

Almost 70 yesterday, snowing today. Gotta love MN.

Restaurant week, mary recomends cafe lurcat, joe's garage for hh, and fogo de chao

To the assholes standing outside the bar: flinching at a passing runner? Is a good way to get punched.

Today I finally got my bag of nice but old bras and vs free panty offers that don't fit out of my car and to the women's shelter. They were ecstatic. Felt good.

So most people take a break from knitting to run, and then go back to knitting, right? RIGHT?

What comes before a MILFO?

My 10 year reunion is quickly approaching.
I have not worked full time in over a month.
The holidays are quickly coming.
My mother-in-law moved back from out of state.
And many of my friends are having similar, compounding issues.

But instead, I'll ruminate on this:
How important is intelligence?

It's odd really.  Over the last week, several people (including my mother) has made comments sounding a lot like this: "Wow, you're so smart, R."

I know these comments are meant to be loving.  I know their intended to be complimentary.  The thing is, I don't think being smart is really that so laudable.

Intelligence, on it's own, is really a genetic trait, passed down from parents and grandparents.  It's completely out of your control.  And yet, we glorify it.  We don't glorify the ability to roll one's tongue or attached earlobes, but smarts, you bet.

Ok, yes, I am smarter than average.  How much smarter, I couldn't tell you.  Probably not much.  I also almost didn't graduate high school, possibly the most basic form of education achievement besides a driver's licence.  I'm staring my high-school-reunion in the face and I have exactly three semesters at a community college under my belt in addition to a shit-ton of consumer debt.

I find it particularly amusing that my mother frequently comments on how smart I am.  SHe also took great pains to point out to me that although I promised that if I got into my choice highschool, that I would complete their advanced program.  But, . . . I didn't.  She cried, she reminds me, she cried in the administrator's office because I only wanted to go to this school and I wouldn't look anywhere else.  I was a mediocre student at best, but I wanted to go to the best school and she didn't know what to do.  The administrator had seen my type before, and knew I wouldn't amount to much, and was hesitant to let me in.  It was unlikely that I would want to work that hard.  But he acquiesed, and I got in.  And I didn't complete the fancy-pants program.  Like I said I would.

Why she felt that now was the best time to have this discussion, I'm not really sure.  I guess it's been rolling around in the back of her mind for the past ten years, but hey.  I'm smart.

I'm also scared.

I'm scared that I'll never amount to anything, the smart, only child of my parents who had every advantage except extreme wealth and still doens't have a college degree or the ability to hold down a job.

I'm scared that we'll never have kids, even though I don't particularly want them at this moment, and that it will be more painful than I can bare.

I'm scared that we will have kids and I'll be a terrible mother.

I'm scared that I'll never get ahead, never get it "figured out", that I'll just always be mediocre, but nice and, well, smart.

I'm scared that I'm more like Natysin than I realize; the guy I thought was smart and sexy so many years ago who was really just a drunk with no direction, who happily settled for menial jobs and a 1.5 of karkov.

I'm scared of how much I want to drink sometimes.

I'm scared that I have no direction.

I know that you don't have to see the top of the staircase to take the first step.  But it sure would make it a lot easier.  And that assumes there's only one step to take.  I mostly feel like I'm in Escher drawing with steps everywhere.  I'm blindfolded, and can step anywhere, in any direction.  But is it where I'm going, or where I was, or someplace completely different?

Thank you, Fantastic Sam's employee.  I suppose I could've just hired a dominatrix to be belittled, mocked and humiliated.  But I have you, and your frozen face, saving me that step.  So thank you.  Really.

What I'm reading currently: Some fluff (Revenge of the Spellmans), some pop history (I Want My MTV), a classic (Faulkner's As I Lay Dying) and a point of contention (Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged): apparently I read the way others change channels.

Ooh!  And I forgot to mention that I also have two books I started that are currently "on-hiatus."  I'm not sure if I should be impressed with myself or shaking my head.

thoughts on gratitude, blessings and prayer

So DH and I are moving.  EXCITING!  I think I've finally gotten over my fear of "missing something" in the process, and have accepted this as the blessing that it is.

During two of the most nerve-wracking days of my life, as I waited to hear if we had been approved, and I worried about where the deposit money would come from and so on, I decided to make a list of all the blessings I've received and experienced.  In fact, I looked back through my posts to remind myself of lots of them.  You can too.  I'll wait.

Ok, so it wasn't quite like this, but I pulled out a pad of paper and joted them down and reflected on them.  I beleive gratitude is one of the best forms of prayer.  I also jotted down a few personal notes on gratitude at the bottom.  and you know what?  As soon as I finished my list and notes, the phone rang.  We had been approved.

Ok, so it wasn't quite that instantaneous, but probably within an hour.  And it certainly felt connected.

The first thing I did?  Went straight to the cabinet under the sink I'd been thinking about decluttering for awhile, and pulled it all out and sorted it.  About 1/2 still went back, but that's twice as good as before.  While going on to declutter a few other areas (we had no boxes yet to start packing), I made up a box of jewelry for Alice and I found a stuffed animal that reminded me of my friend.

Boxing up the jewels for Alice reminded me of my own aunt.  Frequently when we went down to visit, and I was a young girl, my aunt would take me up to her master bathroom, and we'd pour through her collected jewelry as she sifted out things I could have.  These included funky, geometric, blue and pink '80s earring, parrot earrings, and sassy bangles and necklaces.  They always felt like precious jewels, and I felt honored and wore them with pride saying, "Oh this? My aunt gave it to me."

Looking back, I'm sure she's doing much the same thing I am; culling though her collection, and sharing what she no longer cared for.  And now I'm doing the same thing with Alice.  I wonder if she'll say the same thing to her friends.

As for the caribou dressed up like a duck?  It reminded me strongly of my friend, so I brought it to her.  Turns out, she had asked me to buy it for her years ago when I worked at the coffee shop, but I never gave it to her.  Now it sits in a place of honor on her desk.  The world works in mysterious ways, doesn't it?

conversations

Me:        So here’s your check.  It looks like it was returned because there was no apartment number.  Do you have an apartment number?

Youth:   Yes.

Me:        Ok, this is what we have on file.  Is this your apartment number?

Youth:   Yes.

Me:        Ok . . . those building usually have a letter in their unit numbers.   Do you have a letter too?

Youth:   Yes.

(pause)

(blank stare)

Me:        Okaaay, so what’s your letter?

Youth:   M.

(Thank God, I finally got her to say something other than ‘yes’!)

(anyone else reminded of a knock-knock joke?)

cousins

I am an only child.  Even beyond that, I am an only child who isn't super close with her cousins.  Her whopping total of three cousins total.  But by sheer coincidence, I've happened to be in the company of all three of them in the last few weeks.  And you know what?  My cousins? are hot.

Now, before you get ahead of yourself, let's be clear.  I am in no way physically attracted to my cousins, in the slightest.  For example, my female cousin on my dad's side?  Looks exactly like Emma Watson:



Not bad, right?

As for my two male cousins, they are just as good looking, but have no dopplegangers, so you'll just have to trust me.

So obviously, if my cousins are all really, really, ridiculously good-looking, there must be a lot of good genes in my family.  On both sides.  But myself?  I'd rate as squarely average.  And you'd think since I'm the eldest, I would've had first pick, so to speak, of all these genes.  And yet sadly, still average.

Where the hell did things go wrong?

It's a naked-in-front-of-the-fan, ice-in-the-cat's-water-dish, klondike-bar-for-dinner kind of day.  98 with 50% humidity.  And I biked home, because I'm tough like that.  Or because I hate the 5 and C got a ride home today.

Yuck.

things to ponder

Let's take a list of tasks:
Vacuuming
Dusting
Cleaning windows/mirrors/glass
Emptying Trash
Minor Repairs
etc

Who do you envision doing these tasks?  What does the person look like?

Now let's change the setting.

Does the person look different if these tasks are done at a school or in an office rather than in the home?

This is the question I asked myself at work this week.  Through our program, we had placed a number of youth (over the age of 16) at maintenance jobs at various non-profits throughout the city.  This year, a lot of those positions were filled by young women rather than young men.  When we spoke to these non-profits and let them know who had filled these positions, the most common sentiment was surprise.  Huh!  We figured it'd be a guy!

And yet, most of the things they're doing would be considered "women's work" in a household.  A similar thing occurs with food.  Most kitchen staff, be they short-order cooks or personalities on Food Network, tend to be male (except possibly the exception of bakers and the salad station).  And yet, when those same activities take place in a household, they are considered traditionally female roles.

So what makes it different?  Why are these things considered men's jobs in one setting and women's job's in another?

What's your take?

goals and such

I'm completing my last week of my 16 week long.  I'm proud of the success I've made, but I still admit I'm damned slow.  So since I skipped my run this morning, I decided to make it up at sunset tonight.  It was cool day, an even cooler night and lots of light late in the day.  I realized that if I can run for (almost) 60 minutes straight, there's no reason why I have to take my 30 minute run so easily.

Last week, I ran for 30 minutes at about a 15 min/mile pace.  So I decided to really kick it into gear tonight, and ended with a pace of about 13:25, shaving more than 1.5 minutes off my mile pace over the course of 2.25 miles.  I'm immensely proud of this success.

I also must admit that I have a secret goal.  I've only told DH.  He and a mutual friend of ours ran in a 5k together.  DH hadn't had a chance to train, so had a less than stellar result.  But our friend had worked really hard to train and finished the 5k in just shy of 30 minutes.

When I run my first 5k, I want to beat his time.

I still have a lot of work to do, but I think it's possible, maybe even by the end of the summer.  I'm not going to push it.  But I do want to accomplish it.  And I want to incorporate more biking.  One book on running I read said that cross training like that can actually help improve times more than just running more.  So that's what I am going to do.

Wish me luck!

Things I accomplished yesterday

Finally got the two bags of donations and the box of books out of my car.  This means they went to the Salvation Army/Half Price Books store, not back into my humble abode.

I cleared out 4 containers of stuff from my childhood bedroom in less than an hour.  This is particularly important because it shows a marked difference between my previous self and who I am today.  As I child, I wanted to collect everything.  Mostly this just ended up a mish-mash of dusty junk; sea shells, polished rocks, horse figurines and miniature tea sets.  Today, I define my collections differently.

Today, I collect memories; I collect experiences; I collect space.  I do not collect doo-dads, marbles, tchotchkes, or polished rocks (despite vehement protests from my inner-ten-year-old).

thoughts on tomorrow

My DH lost his grandfather this week.  Despite the fact that he’d said frequently that he was amazed that after two heart attacks the man was still with us, his death has hit my hubby hard.  In fact, it’s hit his entire fractured family hard.

People cope with death differently.  My MIL posted on FB that this has taught her not to put off the hugs or the I Love You’s till tomorrow.  She had a very rocky relationship with her father, so her remorse deeply saddens me.

What I thought was most interesting was what her sister said.  She wrote, “We never got our tomorrow.”  This saddens me even more, because it shows that even after this “seize the day” event, she still doesn’t get it.

Tomorrow is not a promise.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed.  So don’t wait.  Don’t wait to tell your loved ones how you feel.  Don’t wait to forgive till someone is forgivable.  Don’t wait till the bills are paid, till you have children, till the children are grown, till you’re older. Don’t wait to go to school, to switch careers, to get married, to get divorced, to lose the weight, to run a marathon . . . whatever it is you want to do, whatever you’d be sorry you never did.  Do. It. Now.

The problem for my husband’s aunt is not that tomorrow never came.  The problem is that she did not use the tomorrows she was given.  And she’s not alone.  We all do it to a certain extent.

So I’m attempting to take this to heart: learn from those around me and make changes accordingly.  Live each moment to the fullest, because it is a gift.  Each and every one.

So what will I change?  What’s on my bucket list?

Want to knit!!

Photo courtesy of Wendyknits.com

http://wendyknits.net/2012/04/29/bernadette/

grapefruit pie

I have recently become obsessed with Grapefruit.  I want to make a key lime pie, but instead of limes, use grapefruit juice.  Just throwing it out there!  I think I need to ask my friend, the professional baker.

whew!

I’ve gotten up and ran every morning before work this week.  This means, my shoes have willingly hit the floor before 6:15 for 5 days straight.  And not always (or even usually) because I got to bed early the night before.

After wondering just exactly how many miles I had put on my shoes, I realized that the “pfft” sound coming from my right shoe was because the sole had separated from the upper.  Incidentally, I also had a blister there, probably from all the extra friction.

For the first time, when I look at my workout for the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, I’m not afraid.  I used to look at it and think, How will I do that?  I’ve never ran that far/fast before?  But every day, I would go out and give it my best shot, and more often than not, I would complete it just as it was written.  Now, not only do I know that the workout is simply about putting one foot in front of the other, but the workouts for the most part have plateaued in length.  If I’ve completed 30 minutes before, I can do it again in any iteration.

I have almost as many blisters as I have toes.  But I consider them hard won battle scars, not symbols of defeat.  They will heal, and they will make me stronger.  And for that, I am grateful.

p.s. Taking Sunday off after running about 9 days straight.  Instead, I’m going to test out my bike route to the job I start in a scant 3 weeks!

One of my proudest moments: Our Birthday present to our friend Luis.  Photo and quote below from his FB page:



I just got this AMAZING treat from my good friends. I want to thank you both for taking the time to put this together, it means so much to me and it made me want to go cruising just so that I can listen to all your awesome choices, it is incredible how each cd teaches me more and more with each song about your personalities. I will forever cherish these CDs, thank you guys is just what I wanted. I had forgotten the power of a mix cd. Much love for you both and I will return the favor. -L

books update

I read 63 books last year.  I had never tracked how many books I'd read before, so I think that was pretty good.  I also think it's probably unusually high since I can read so much at work.

This year I decided to set a nice safe goal of 50 books this year.  After all, I've taken up knitting, and have a life so I don't want to promise I'll spend every waking moment reading.

So far, according to Goodreads, I have read 45 books.  I am at 90% of my goal.

That's ok though, because in another month, I'm not going to be able to spend 7 hours a day reading.  So as long as I get my library request list down to under 30 before I leave my temp job, I'll be thrilled.

However, at the rate that Game of Thrones is going, I'll be sunk.  I'm really enjoying, and I like that I don't just blow through it like almost every other book I read.  It's pretty dense.  But still, I've got progress to make!

Communion

I had the most amazing evening.

After developing nasty shin splints 8 WEEKS into my training schedule, I decided to take a day or two off the pavement.  But, I started running in my dreams, so I knew it was time to get back out there.

Also, since the Nice Ride bikes are out, I thought it would be cool to see just how far I could get in my allotted time.  No worries about making a circuit, I'll just bike back from wherever I land.

My workout was a 5 minute jog, 10 minute easy run, 5 minute jog, 1 minute walk, 5 minute medium pace run.  I got all the way down Portland, across the Stone Arch bridge, and down Main Street past the Nice Ride station.  I am very impressed with this.  And I also felt really good, even after I biked home again.  The weather was cool, and not very windy, so view of Downtown Minneapolis across the still river was breathtaking.  I wished I'd brought my camera.

People always talk about how they like running because it clears their mind, it gives them energy, their day just doesn't feel complete without it.  I thought they were crazy.  I wasn't alone.  But, I think I"m starting to get it.  This isn't just about losing a few pounds.  This is like a spiritual communion.

I loved my run today.  And I can't wait to get up and do it again tomorrow.

p.s.  If you're wondering how I got from "That looks painful and not fun" to "I love this, can't live without it and can't wait to do it again," it had a lot to do with starting slow and easy.  I credit that all to a e-book I read  called The Ultimate Beginner's Running Guide.  It's a super quick read, gives you a enough info to get going, but not so much as to overwhelm you.  Also, it includes three running plans: one for current exercisers, one for new runners and one for weight-loss.  I chose to follow the weight-loss one.  Why?  Because the first work out was a five minute walk.  I figured if I can walk for five minutes, I can do the program.  And that's what I've done.

I tossed and turned last night, sleeping fit fully.  First I was itchy, then I was achy, then I was hungry.  The thought crossed my mind that I might have to call in if I didn’t get a good night’s rest.

And then I realized I’d left Game of Thrones at my desk, and I wouldn’t be able to read it if I called in.

So here I am at work.  Only 100 pages in, consider me hooked.

actual conversation with my cat this morning

Thomas: meow meow meow meow

Translation: I’m hungry, woman!  Feed me now, dagnabit!

Me: You whiny bitch.  I just fed you an hour ago, asshole.  Get over yourself.

Sunrise run to GirlTalk.  Ah-mazing.  Why don’t I do this every morning?!

something unexpected

I'm not sure how exactly it came about.  I think I was fixing my hair before a run.  I turned sideway, threw my head upside down, grabbed my hair to put in a ponytail.  When I stood up and looked in the mirror, I was shocked by what I saw.

I was thinner.

The scale still hasn't budged an inch.  I know muscle ways more than fat, but this just seems too crazy to be true.  But it is.  My stomach is smaller, my butt is smaller, and my waist is narrower.

I'm taking my victories where I can find them.  I still want to be down to 180.  And it doesn't really matter how much muscley I become.  If I don't lose at least SOME weight, I will never get there.

But it's good to know that pretty toenails aren't the only thing I've lost.

books at my desk

Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

Fast Food Nation, Eric Schlosser

Your Movie Sucks, Roger Ebert

The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth, Alexandra Robbins

I feel like this says something about me and my interests, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  Care to weigh in?

running, et al

So, I've kind of started running.  I say this rather sheepishly, as if I were saying I've started smoking, or collecting beanie babies.  I think it's partly because running feels like something my hardbodied, athletic friends do, not what I do.  But it's interesting how quickly I've taken to it.  I've started dreaming about it (not nightmares), and I look forward to my next time out.  I feel good at the end, not blistered and sore.  I like it.

Here's a few things I've noticed.

Gained
definition in my calves
some flexibility (I haven't been able to sit cross-legged since I was in grade school.  I still can't do it very long)
speed
a bonafide runner's toe (not pretty)

Lost
self-consciousness
side stitches
more hair elastics than I can count

You'll notice weight isn't on either of these lists.  And I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.  To be honest, that's why I started my running program.  However, I do think I have lost mass even if I haven't lost weight.  I attempted to add a new hole on the good end of my belt.  I thought I had succeeded but apparently I just gave up half way through, because it was unusable today.  Either that, or it grew back together like a freshly-pierced ear.  And a couple people with sharp eyes that are close to me think I look slimmer.  So I do think it's made a difference.  But we shall see in the long run.

The strangest thing I think is that I've told hardly anyone about it.  I've noticed lately that I seem to have developed a deeply personal streak.  I share almost nothing but banal stuff with some of my closest friends.  I think partly it's because I feel like they should know to ask, and I'm somehow punishing them by not letting them in.  But closeness comes from sharing.  How can I expect to be close with these people if I don't share anything?  What am I hoping to gain?  What am I hoping to accomplish?

Speaking of information I've been witholding: I think maybe possibly I have a job.

That's pretty substantial news!  And although I wouldn't consider myself superstitious, I also don't like being caught with egg on my face.  So I haven't said much.  I didn't say much when I applied, because really? How many jobs have I applied to at this point?  I only said something to a few very close friends, family, and colleagues I asked to be references.  And even now, since I have not formally signed my offer letter, I have not told added very many people to the list.  I told a few people at my temp job of the last 1.5 years that I'll be leaving in May, but that's about it.

But aside from all the secrecy, I'm excited!  I was in the rare position of having two simultaneous offers.  That was actually very humbling for me.  I will be staring in mid-May working for the State on a short term contract  position.  Hopefully, it will eventually become something more permanent, even if I have to go through a few more contracts to get there.  But even so, it' will be a big bump in pay, and a chance to do some good.  So I'm thrilled.

And did I mention that I will be working in the same office as my best friend?  How much luckier can a girl get?

I'm even ok that I don't start for a few more weeks, because it will give me a chance to whittle down my library list (finally) to under 30.  Which just so happens to be one of my goals for the year.

All in all, I'd say things are going pretty well.  And I'm grateful.

I have been dying to go to bed since about 6pm this evening.  So when I finally got there at 10, I expected to be halfway to dreamland inside of 10 minutes . . . and I'm still awake, yet way tired.  Go fig.

psst, can you keep a secret?  I have a job offer.  Can you keep another secret?  I had an interview for another position today.  It went really well.  I'm keeping this all under my hat until everything is signed, sealed and delivered, but I'm thrilled.  It's about fricking time!

My mom paid me one of the best compliments the other day.  She told me that she thinks I'm frugal.  Which I am, but it's mostly out of necessity.  We rent an apartment that's probably better suited for one person rather than two.  We share one car.  I get most of my entertainment from the library in one form or another.  We do watch a lot of movies, but their either redboxed or cheapie 2nd run theatres.  Sure there are always places we could cut back on more, but for us it's more about recognizing the choices, and spending our money where it's important to us.  I've worked really hard at it, so I'm glad that it shows.

I have been entirely remiss in keeping up my correspondance with a friend.  I need to fix that this weekend.

I also am concerned we have bedbugs again.  I'm really really hoping I"m just paranoid, and those 6 bites (2 groups of three) are just manifestations of my paranoia or one (or 6-) offs.

Running is going well.  Although today kicked my butt.  But I've decided to shelve Perfectionism this year, so I did the best I could, and tomorrow is a new day.

Can't wait to get the bike out!!

Why does my laptop sound like it's gurgling water?  This cannot be good.

FW: per our previous conversation

From: me
Sent: Friday, March 02, 2012 12:34 PM
To: LP
Subject: per our previous conversation

I typed “headband” “artist” “suits” into google image search and came up with:

Scott Seekins

And further searching netted me this nugget:

http://seekingseekins.com/

Happy Friday!

R

From: LP
Sent: Friday, March 02, 2012 12:54 PM
To: me
Subject: RE: per our previous conversation

Amazing – I love this!!

lp

thoughts

Monday: took car to shop due to gears slipping.  Transmission blown: $2800
(Previously: taxes: Despite making hardly anything, we owe one grand)
Tuesday:  It will take 1-3 WEEKS to get money out of inherited stock.
Tonight: Hit BMW in Kenwood area on slippery snowfall.  With loaner car from repair shop.  FML.
also: Cousin announce he and his wife are pregnant.  So is my SIL.  And a friend of mine from high school.  It's like it's in the air.  People keep asking me when we're having kids.  I daydream about telling them we'll have them just as soon as I figure out where the fuck my period went.  Oh, I'm sorry, was that too personal?  THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP ASKING WHEN I"M GOING TO GET KNOCKED UP!!

In better news, I jogged 10 straight minutes today without keeling over.  This running program may be working after all. On the other hand, I have 3 more workouts left this week that all require 10 minute jogs, so I'll keep you posted.  (because you're totally waiting with baited breath)

ramblings

There is a woman who just started working here.  She has a very unusual name.  Or so I thought.  I went to email her, and it turns out there is another woman who also works here with the same exact name.  It spelled slightly differently.

People like to argue about books and movies.  Which was better: the book or the movie?  Almost always, people say the book was better.  Almost always, people say to read the book before you see the film.  I have some alternate thoughts.  First, comparing books to films is like comparing apples to oranges.  They have similarities, but ultimately, they are different.  But I tend to find, my favorite film adaptations come from slimmer novles (Coraline, Drive) than longer ones.  I also disagree with the idea that you should read the book first.  Especially if you usually find the book superior.  Why invest a dozen or so hours in a story when you could invest just 2?  What if you don’t like the story?  If you do like it, you can then invest the dozen hours reading the book.  Most people find the book more satisfying anyways.  By doing it this way, you save yourself hours on stories that you don’t find compelling, and you are saved the disappointment of a film that “doesn’t” live up the book.

I have an interview tomorrow.  I don’t know what to think.  I had a dream last night that my interview took place like American Idol.  “Rachel is detail-oriented and flexible, but will that be enough to get her to the final round?”  Tonight will be spent holed up in the library with my lesson, a notebook and a job hunting book.  We’ll see where this gets me.

an open letter

I feel compelled to fill you in on something.  You mentioned that some family members are anxious for us to start having kids.  We’re excited too, but the truth is, it’s very unlikely that I’m able to have kids.  I don’t have a medical diagnosis for a number of reasons, but I am looking into getting MN Care so I can find out more.  Because of my unlikelihood of conceiving, it makes money even more an issue.  Seeing as Sean and I continue to make less every year than we have the year before, the cost becomes less and less attainable.

This information isn’t a secret, but it’s very difficult to talk about.  Not only is it personal, but it makes me unbearably sad.  I really hope we’ll be parents some day.  We still frequently talk about baby names and day care options.  Realistically however, it will probably be many years before we’re able to overcome these issues.

I apologize for not being more forthright with you, but like I said, it’s very difficult for me to talk about.

I love you very much, and so appreciate all the support and love you have given us.

time for an update

Where to begin?

Books:
I have read a crazy amount of books so far this year.  24 to be exact.  That is roughly half of my goal for the year.  Why so many?  Because I do next to nothing at my job.  I answer, on average, between 10-15 calls a day.  That leaves a lot of time on one's hands.  So I've been reading between 3-5 books a week.  This means I've been making a good pace towards getting my 80 library requests down to 30.  In fact, if all things stay the same, I should be through it by June or so.  On the one hand, that's crazy.  No one should be paid to have that much time on their hands.  On the other, it's likely I never will be paid again to have this much time on my hands, so let's enjoy it while we can, shall we?

I did get through Alice in Wonderland in January.  I'm trying to get myself worked up for Twain.  Oddly, I don't think having it on my Kindle is helping matters.

Not much knitting going on at the moment.  Although, I did buy some delicious mohair, and I'm excited about the stole I plan on knitting.

Also, I just delivered N's cowl that I knit her for Christmas.  She loved it, so I'm chaulking that up to a huge success!

Work:
The office is moving to Eagan in either 3rd or 4th quarter.  That means I need to either find a job with them or without them.  If I don't get hired as a temp, I don't want to commute to Eagan.  But if I did get hired, I would consider it.  Especially if we moved to, for example, the Nokomis area.  But if I don't get hired where I'm at, I need to find someplace else to take me.  Because I'm scared to find out what's out there.

I find this whole situation scary as hell.  I feel like I have no 'yes-no' situations; I have a shit-ton of 'if-then' scenarios.  That leaves me with a whole lot of questions and not very many answers.  I like answers.  I like them a lot.

Although Puxatawny Phil is the original, in the Midwest we follow Jimmy the Groundhog.

Now, with the winter we’ve had, it doesn’t really come as a surprise that Jimmy said we’d have an  early spring .  Although, in MN, 6 more weeks of winter IS an early spring.  But really, this winter has been a pre-spring all season long.  And although it doesn’t bode well for global warming, I’ll revel in it after last year.

But the odd thing is, they mention a groundhog blizzard last year in western Wisconsin that I don’t remember at all.  I don’t even remember delivering papers on my birthday, although I must have.  I must have been so sleep deprived that I lost all memory.

Eek!

Who spends 90 minutes farting around on the computer so that they can run down the clock on an important job application?  This guy.

Who has applied for more jobs in the last week (2) than I have in the last six months and is about to pull out her because of it?  This guy.

Who is so sick and tired of being stressed, being broke and having lame, flaky friends that their normal pacifist self has morphed into a prototypical meat-head?

Anyone?

That's right.  This guy.

goal

When I pay off my debts, I’m saving that money for a European tour.  I want to see France, dammit!

I frequently google stuff.  I frequently follow directions to “just google” some pretty obscure references.  I have, however, never failed to get said reference after said googling.

Until now.

I feel shamed.