I'm grateful for good friends, good wine and good food.

albums to download

dark was the night-compitlation
Contra-vampire weekend
Julian Casablancas - Phrazes for the young

I am grateful for my public library and for days off, because they indicate a job.

Tonight I an grateful for enough food in my tummy to be too full, friends who miss me when I get overscheduled and enough money saved to cover the unexpected.

How did you get this number* by Sloane Crosley

Ultimately entertaining, although I feel like I would have enjoyed the audiobook more.  Something about memoirs/personal essays just does better as an audiobook.

Next up:
Tom Parker Bowles' The Year of Eating Dangerously
also, possible some smatterings of Alton Brown's Gear for your Kitchen

P.S.  please excuse any puncuation mistakes, especially with correctly capitilizing book titles.  Infact, excuse any mistakes; grammer, spelling, punctuation, etc.  This is my blog dammit, and I just don't care.

*See previous post for Amazon link

books Jan 2011

• The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Steig Larsson

(rock'em sock'em excitement) (seriously, is there anyone out there who doesn't know this series and cares about what I read?)

• The Swimming Pool by Holly LeCraw

Excellent, poetry-like pose.  A love story, or two, and a mystery to boot.

• A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan 

Soooo sooo good.  Each chapter takes place in a slightly different time, from a different person's view.  Each chapter can stand on it's own, but when read together, you see what happens to most everyone, even if they never find out about each other.  Absoultely brillant, and one of my favorite books I've read in a long long time.

About to start:

• How Did You Get This Number by Sloane Crosley

Ok, so I'm slowly doing better.  DH has been working a lot of evenings training at his new job, so that's left me time to think, be by myself and organize some of the thoughts racing through my brain.

I also spent some time just now looking through old posts.  Things you can learn about yourself when you write a blog, particularly when you post more often when you're annoyed:  I get frustrated and stressed-out when I overschedule myself and don't make time to be by myself in my apartment.  Time at the coffee shop or the library or the mall does not cut it.  I need time at the apartment.  And when your husband is unemployed and never leaves because we're broke, that's hard to do.  Turns out, you can learn things about yourself simply by seeing patterns in posts, not just from sefl-reflection while writing those posts.  I conside this a success.

Ok so I didn't shut absolutely everyone out this week.  Sara and I did some window shopping at The Galleria, and Laura and I met for coffee at Sebastian Joe's.  Possibly two of my most favorite people in the world.  And now, I think I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to miss the rest of my friends.  Just because I'm an introvert doesn't mean I'm not social.

So my plan for this week:
Sunday:  lazy "me" day
Monday: get shit done day
Tuesday/Wednesday: make plans with N/More 'get shit done'
Thursday: DHs only evening off (the perils of actually working)
Friday: Pedi/Lost night with I&C (I don't think I've seen them since Christmas Eve)
Saturday: wrap up cleaning for impeding company/ S&L, D&T to arrive b/w 4:30-5 for birthday celebrations.  Here's hoping I"m ready by then.

I also have been toying around with having some kind of written reflection over things I'm grateful for.  Maybe that's here, maybe that's a different blog.  Who knows.  But here's a few thoughts to start off with:

I'm grateful:

•  my friends understand when I need space
• my husband has a new job
• my contract got renewed til the end of February
• I have everything I need, even if it's not everything I want

I think I also need to add a component of what I have/am reading.  But I think those will be separate posts.

TTFN
R

Only 28 of the 98 items I've requested from my library are books.  The rest is music.  Somehow, that seems a bit off balance.

My Funk

What the hell is wrong with me?

What is really so wrong with my life?

Ok, so your mom just got out of the hospital, and she hadn't been in one for her own sake since you were born.

So some douche you went to high school with says assanine things on facebook and has no idea that he's actually talking about you.

So you're marriage isn't perfect, and life is not fair.

So. What.

And yet, here I am.  I just want to curl up in a ball and tune out the whole world.  I don't want my friends.  I don't want my husband.  I don't want to deliver papers at ungodly hours of the morning.  Is this what depression is?

I was raised in my faith.  I love it.  And yet, I find myself questioning it.  I still consider myself part of the congregation, but my whole world feels upside down.  My husband is a good man, but not a religious one.  Which is fine.  I never had any expectations of marrying someone of my own faith.  Too small a pool.  And also, foreign.  I would be hard pressed to find a married couple where both are from my denomination.  But right now, I so want him to understand.  And I know that will never happen.

So many of the people I would lean on in this situation are busy tending to my mother.  And really, that's as it should be.  She is the one who needs it.  I'm just being whiny and tempermental and idiotic.

And yet, I can't stop crying.  Over the stupidist things.

My birthday is coming up, and I have no desire to see anyone, get anything, do anything.  I have been invited to half a dozen social events, and yet I always come up with an excuse not to go.  And yet, if I call or text someone, and they don't return, I feel rejected.  Well fuck them anyway.  Who the hell cares, right?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I need out.

My totem for the following year

“You can get sympathy or you can get better but you can’t get both. You can be in your comfort zone or you can have growth, but you can’t have both. You can be interested or you can be sold-out-committed, but you can’t entertain both. You can have excuses or have results, but you can’t do both. Choose the path that develops your visceral fortitude.”


- Mario Cortes