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6.13.2009

calm

So, apparently the furstration that was bubbling under the surface the last couple of weeks came to an underwhelming conclusion. It just seems to be that time of year with lots of family obligations, and me being the supportive type, had overcommitted myself and was bogged down by the things I had going on in my life as well as others. But with a booksigning, two birthdays and a graduation down, things are a lot more quiet, which has given me a chance to take a very deep breath, and cross a ton of things off that ol' proverbial list.

As a result, not a whole lot to report.

I will mention however that I was really pleased with an event that occured today. DH and I traveled across state lines to our nephew's first birthday party today. Long story short, the man my husband used to call Dad came to the party later on. My husband hasn't spoken to him since he left my mother-in-law and my husband is very very loyal to his mom (as he should be). However, circumstances have changed over the past few years, and this man (I'll call him E), has expressed interest in renewing his relationship with DH. DH was adamant that he wanted nothing to do with E; he wasn't even invited to our wedding. DH was even planning on leaving our nephew's party before E arrived so that he didn't have to see him. But E ended up comming early, and greeted DH. He asked him how DH is doing and gave him a hug. And much to my surprise, DH accepted it. Because afterall, this is the man that he considers his dad. They exchanged pleasantries, then E told DH that he had something for him before we left. DH goes out to E's truck and finds a HUGE plastic bin full of all of DH's baseball cards from when he was younger. DH was so touched he didn't even know how to speak. I thanked E, and we hoisted them into the back of our car, while DH drove us home in stunned silence.

"You ok?"

"Yeah .. yes, I'm ok. Should I be ok? Is this ok?"

"Well, I don't know the whole story of what happened between E and your mom, and I probably never will. But I'm a firm believer that if someone wants to make ammends that you should give them the opportunity. You don't have to be best friends, but I would think that it would be awful if E was never given the opportunity. I also think it would be good for you to let go of the burden of shutting him out of your life. Just be thankful and gracious, and see where it goes."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"I love you"

"I love you too"

And with that, we headed home.

6.06.2009

First Things First

So, I've been thinking of my written ramblings last night, and it occured to me that maybe, just maybe, my head would stop swirling a little bit if I just wrote a stream of conciousness of all the things that are rattling inside my head. Seriously, I haven't felt like this since the week before my wedding. So here goes:

My apartment:
There are many things I love about our apartment. The price. That it's close to downtown so we can take care of lots of things on foot. The price. I can walk to work and DH can take the train easily to work, which means we only need one car. The price. And the fact that it's my simultaneously the first place I've lived away from home and the first place with S, so sentimentality is definitely at play.

But free cable can only take me so far.

First of all, it's really too small for two people. Especailly a pack rat and a rat going to "pack rat anonymous" meetings. Seriously. We need a bigger bed but we can't because it literally will not fit in our bedroom. We live at the cross section of two emergency vehicle routes on the first floor, so it's very noisy. It's also one of the poorer neighborhoods, so people can be loud outside our window, and it's best to be vigilant when out after dark. Interestingly enough, this last reason is not what bothers me the most. I'm a city girl, and I have no delusions that there's a "safe" place anywhere in the city. Better, safer, yes. But completely free of all the menaces a larger population brings, no. Call me a pessimist, I don't care.

The place of my dreams was for sale a few weeks ago. 2nd floor 2bedroom condo, on the park with a balcony. Quiet street (which made for a unique address) yet close to everything, including our two respective jobs. Basically all the pluses of the place we have, and none of the negatives. Unfortunetly, I hadn't quiet sold the DH on homeownership yet and the unit sold. For $65000. I'm heartbroken. Nothing else we've looked at in our price range is anywhere near as nice. Or affordable. I hate looking at places that are 100k and there no where near as nice. It makes me sick. Yet I tell myself that I needed my husband on board and if he wasn't ready for this when it was availble then things weren't suppose to be. I dunno. I keep thinking about it. I'm planning on writing the owners a letter. If my short life has taught me anything its 1)when you get those little messages in your head with directions, listen and 2) don't always assume that the first no is the final answer. Keep asking. So here goes. But I'm a chicken. I've yet to even get us preapproved for any type of finanacing so I don't even know if we can buy anything. Why don't I go? It's always for one of two reasons 1)I literally don't know the steps I need to take to do something 2)I'm apprehensive. In this case, at least at this stage, it's the latter. I often tell myself, what's the worst that could happen (in any situation)? They say, "Fuck no" and I'm in the same position I'm in now minus a hell of a lot of worry. What's so damned hard about that? I don't know.

A Beginning

So, here I am. For those of you out there in the blogosphere, this may just be a test. If this were a true blog, I would have come up with a better handle. This, I believe, is more or less a stream of consciousness. An opportunity to get my thoughts down on proverbial paper, and take some weight off my shoulders. I hope you enjoy it, because really, what's the point in doing anything if you don't enjoy it, or receive some greater good for it? But anyways . .

The real reason I am here folks, like so many of us out here, is because I feel frustrated. Plain ol'simple frustration. But my biggest conundrum seems to be that I can't seem to find the cause of this frustration. And that, my friends, leads to more frustration. My life, by the closest yard stick, is pretty damn good. For starters, I have a job that I actually like pretty well. And that's more than a lot of my friends and loved ones can say during this economic climate. I have a loving husband. I have some goals for myself (probably the same ones a lot of you have out there), and I'm making decent progress towards those goals. Like I said, life is pretty damn good. And yet, frustration! WHY?!?!

A minor list of some possible causes
  • I feel annoyed lately by my DH
  • My best friend has been unemployed for six months
  • I want to buy a house really badly but can't seem to make the necessary steps towards it
  • I "love" my job yet find myself bored there some of the time
  • my car is a piece of shit
  • three of my favorite stores have closed in the last six months (I totally get that this is trivial and shallow, but this is MY blog dammit ;P

Ummm, I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it all right now.

So what am I doing with this so called frustration? A whole lotta nothin. I dont' excercise much. I do walk to work atleast half the time. I ignore it. I obsess over it. I do housewifey things like cook and clean to try and push it out of my mind. When all of that doesn't work, I pray (like any normal christian). And yet here sits this mass of frustration. I don't get it. What's really so goddamned wrong with my life? Why can't I get over this?