6.06.2009

First Things First

So, I've been thinking of my written ramblings last night, and it occured to me that maybe, just maybe, my head would stop swirling a little bit if I just wrote a stream of conciousness of all the things that are rattling inside my head. Seriously, I haven't felt like this since the week before my wedding. So here goes:

My apartment:
There are many things I love about our apartment. The price. That it's close to downtown so we can take care of lots of things on foot. The price. I can walk to work and DH can take the train easily to work, which means we only need one car. The price. And the fact that it's my simultaneously the first place I've lived away from home and the first place with S, so sentimentality is definitely at play.

But free cable can only take me so far.

First of all, it's really too small for two people. Especailly a pack rat and a rat going to "pack rat anonymous" meetings. Seriously. We need a bigger bed but we can't because it literally will not fit in our bedroom. We live at the cross section of two emergency vehicle routes on the first floor, so it's very noisy. It's also one of the poorer neighborhoods, so people can be loud outside our window, and it's best to be vigilant when out after dark. Interestingly enough, this last reason is not what bothers me the most. I'm a city girl, and I have no delusions that there's a "safe" place anywhere in the city. Better, safer, yes. But completely free of all the menaces a larger population brings, no. Call me a pessimist, I don't care.

The place of my dreams was for sale a few weeks ago. 2nd floor 2bedroom condo, on the park with a balcony. Quiet street (which made for a unique address) yet close to everything, including our two respective jobs. Basically all the pluses of the place we have, and none of the negatives. Unfortunetly, I hadn't quiet sold the DH on homeownership yet and the unit sold. For $65000. I'm heartbroken. Nothing else we've looked at in our price range is anywhere near as nice. Or affordable. I hate looking at places that are 100k and there no where near as nice. It makes me sick. Yet I tell myself that I needed my husband on board and if he wasn't ready for this when it was availble then things weren't suppose to be. I dunno. I keep thinking about it. I'm planning on writing the owners a letter. If my short life has taught me anything its 1)when you get those little messages in your head with directions, listen and 2) don't always assume that the first no is the final answer. Keep asking. So here goes. But I'm a chicken. I've yet to even get us preapproved for any type of finanacing so I don't even know if we can buy anything. Why don't I go? It's always for one of two reasons 1)I literally don't know the steps I need to take to do something 2)I'm apprehensive. In this case, at least at this stage, it's the latter. I often tell myself, what's the worst that could happen (in any situation)? They say, "Fuck no" and I'm in the same position I'm in now minus a hell of a lot of worry. What's so damned hard about that? I don't know.

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