clash

She spotted me before I saw her.
I smiled.  Should I have?
Her acrylic nails were fresh, along with the bruise on her left cheek.
Did I have any cash?
her wallet was stolen, her ID gone, her bus leaving for home, from outta state, her dog died
blah
blah
blah
Do you have any cash?

Do I?
Do I tell the truth, or do I lie?
I have cash in my pocket, but not enough to make it to pay day.

Cup of cold water in christ's name?

Am I doing a good deed?
Am I being hustled?
How different are they?  Why do they feel so similar?

I've made my decision.  My noes crinkles up and I grimace.
She knows that face; what I'm about to say
She turns away before two small, sad letters can pass my lips.

She walks away; she sees someone else.

34 weeks in; 18 weeks to go; 37 books read so far*

So, with 18 weeks to go, and trending slightly ahead of one book/week, the question remains, what books will I read for the rest of the year?  So far, I've just been reading whatever drew my fancy, but now I find myself wanting to plan what I'll read to finish out the year.

I have 25 items out of my 100 requested items that are not suspended.  I'll let that sink in for a second.  THus my great desire to clear out some items ready to go off my request list that may have been on there a bit longer than they should.

Here's what I have planned so far
currently reading:

1. Traffic
2. Eclipse (just started) (I know, I know)

Next few books coming to me from the library:

1. Amaryllis in Blueberry
2. Hunger Games
3. I Remember Nothing
4. The Happiness Project
5. Catching Fire

Hmm, so we have two series represented with only the last books to go.  So I guess those should be included in my list of 11 yet-to-be-determined list

1. Mocking Jay
2. Breaking Dawn

But what else?
How about:

1. Mennonite in a Little Black Dress
2. The Curfew
3. Blood Bones & Butter
4. Matched
5. 365 ways to live cheap
6. Magician King
7. Half a Life
8. The Uncoupling
9. Maine

Can she do it?

*I reserve the right to change my list, my goal and anything else I feel like, dagnabbit.

things I need to do to get my apartment in shape:

• wash the dishes I promised I'd do tonight, but, psssht, like any of us really believed that
• sweep kitchen floor
• sweep bathroom floor
• find floor in bedroom

Not extensive, right?

Good news?  The living room is pretty ship shape, so really, if we have company or something, only three things really need to be done.  Ta da!

Just spotted my first pumpkin price latte of the season. Blended option also available. Not sure how I feel about all this.

. . . and the other's gold

This post is dedicated to all the people I've reconnected with this summer

Maren and I had a blast spending a cool weekend watching the first 7 harry potter films at the Riverview Theatre.  We met in kindergarten and were good friends through 4th grade, when I switched schools.  I have plans to have dinner with her this week at Victor's.  It's like we never lost touch, except I think we have even more in common now.

Alycia and I met through my friend S (not listed below).  I royally pissed her off because I promised to invite to to my wedding (and then forgot) and then didn't.  By the time I had realized, I had run out of room and money.  Plus, everyone she would have known was sitting at the head table.  But she eventually forgave me, and when her mom passed away earlier this year, I do what I always do.  I wrote her.  I don't particularly enjoy writing condolence letters, but I believe they are important, and something that are often shyed away from.  In turn, we've gotten together a few times to chat and catch up, and I discovered she and I had a lot more in common than our shared friendship with S&L.  What a learning experience in 1st (2nd and umpteenth) impressions.

Ginny and I met at my first year at Camp Lake Hubert.  We became fast friends in our weeks stay, and I was so sad when she didn't come back.  At the end of our session, it came up that we were of the same denomination.  I thought she was confused.  I'd never met anyone who was of my faith at a non-church gathering.  Turns out, she thought the same thing.  Now her mom attends our church and I met her for appetizers in Uptown last week.  She's leaving for Prague at the end of the month to teach english.  She's funny and animated and full of vigor and energy.  I hope we'll keep in touch.

Sarah's grandparents lived next door to me when I was growing up, and we'd play together when she and her brother came over.  I don't remember anything about her brother.  Years later, when I was working out at the airport, we met for the second time, without knowing our previous connection.  I usually only see her about once or twice a year, but I got to see her twice this summer.  It's always so good to catch up with her, and she keeps me updated on airport friends we had together that I lost touch with.

This may have been a tough summer, full of bumbs, bruises and bug bites.  But I'm so grateful for the time I've had to reconnect with these people, and I totally acknowledge that I probably wouldn't have had the chance if my "usual" friends had not been stupid occupied.

Next on my list?  Krupali and Jane (although she's in AZ).  You know what they say: Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other's gold.

Update: I forgot to include Lori and Sara W in this post.  I'll have to write about them another time.

topics on my mind

So I keep thinking I'll develop each of these into posts on their own, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  So I'll just say a few words on each.

Spending money like I have it
This seems to be my mantra this summer.  I am definitely taking steps backward instead of forward.  And after spending three years trying to dig myself out of debt, I can't tell you how frustrating it is.

Condo
There's a condo I discovered not far from our place.  It's beautiful.  It's got three bedrooms.  And we might actually sort of be able to afford it, seeing as the mortgage and HOA fees combined would be equal to our rent.  But I don't think our credit is good enough to make it, and I'm scared of asking, and I don't think my husband will be willing to have them check our credit because his is so bad.  This absolutely breaks my heart.

Talking to a brick wall
We saw D&T a few weeks ago.  I felt like nothing I said to her registered.  It was literally like talking to a brick wall.  Or like I was speaking Mandarin.  SO FRUSTRATING.

Reconnecting with old friends
The one upside to this summer has been reconnecting with old friends.  Between going to the Harry Potter marathon with M, and having appetizers with G last week, I've really enjoyed that part of this summer.  I'm hoping I can find time with K this next week.  But it does kind of sting that the reason I've had time to do all these things is because my usual cast of characters is either to busy to deal with me, can't be bothered or terrified I'll infest her with bugs.  Lovely.

I feel like I need new friends in addition to a new job.

postcards

Me: Thank you for calling the Settlement Administrator.  Can I please get the ID number off of the postcard you received?

Caller: Um, where would the number be on the postcard?

(In my head): Umm,It's a postcard.  Is it on the front?  No? Then, check the back.  Still can't find it?  Then you need more help than I can give.

Lisa

So I just got a call from one of my favorite.  He always hears my name as Lisa.  But for some reason, today he heard my name correctly.  “Oh, Hi, my name is Mr Ronald Plow. “ He says.  “I usually talk to Lisa.  Is she there?”

That was harder to explain than I anticipated.

this summer

T.S. Eliot said April is the cruelest month.  But I'd have to agree with Bananarama.  I think this year has been a cruel summer.  Between mama still recovering, hotter and more humid days, bed bugs and the just plain brokeness of it all, I’m officially stating that this summer has sucked ass.

I think you have to be from a northern clime to truly appreciate the severity of this statement.  In Minnesota, we start dreaming of summer soon after the State Fair closes it’s doors at the end of Labor Day.  By February we’re celebrating days in the 40s and watching every sign of spring so closely we could be phenologists.

So, after all this dreamin, wishin and hopin, to dismiss summer so summarily is odd to say the least.  Let me explain.

I feel like I have no friends.

Facebook disagress.  But isn’t that the interesting part?  How can one have 120-some “friends”, and yet feel ostracized, alone and abandoned?  And I should clarify, I know I’m not alone.  My husband and I are close, and I see my mother weekly if not more frequently.  But I feel pushed away by my closest friends.  S keeps saying “we need to get together”, but can never find time.  E “is just too overwhelmed, it’s all too much” to be bothered to take my call.  C would like to see me, but is afraid I’ll contaminate her with bed bugs.  Shy of strip searching myself and spending $2 and an hour drying my clothes prior to going over there, I doubt that will happen.

I am upset.  I am unhappy.  I am distressed.

I hate this summer.

thoughts

The following phrase keeps repeating itself in my brain:  I need to find a job.  Unfortunately, one of the biggest reasons I turned to temping is exactly because I struggle with how to do this.  But I was reassured by a thought that crossed my mind today.  I was lamenting (for the millionth time) my lost position (If only I hadn’t left, if only I were still there) when it occurred to me.  When I first started at Caribou, I loved the store I was at, the manager and the company.  But after only a couple of short months, I was transferred to a new store with a new manager.  Things were already so good, they can’t possible be better, I worried.  I thought about leaving and starting over.  But I decided to sit tight, pray, and see how things shook out.  Turns out,things were largely the same in the short term, and set the course for my career with the company in the long term.  In fact, if I had never changed stores, I more than likely would never have met my mentor, been promoted or met my husband.  This realization of how pivotal this event was, and it's extrordinary outcome gives me so much faith.  I listened, and obeyed, and things turned out far better than if I had struggled against the current.

When I left my last position, crying, a voice said to me, “Haven’t I always taken care of you?”  and I had to admit it was true.

And so far, even in despicable times, my husband and I have been cared for.  So, although I am going to look in earnest, I’m going to listen in earnest.  The decision that made the biggest change in my life, I had no choice.  Why should I worry now?

changes

Some changes must be made.  Although I am grateful for the income it has provided me, I've come to the conclusion that my current work situation is not to my benefit.  I'm no longer making progress; I'm backsliding.  I'm even more grateful that my temp position gives me the flexibility to change all this.  But the fact that I just don't like my job that much is pushing me onward.

But like most people, I'm scared.

See, I was fired.

I made a stupid mistake, at a job I really loved, and I'm scared of what any potential employer will do with that when they have a sea of eager, over-qualified applicants in a recession that has either put hair on the chest of men, or sent them crying to their mommas.

But I have dreams.  And I'm not getting closer to them.  In fact, I'm losing ground.

Something has got to change.

I guess maybe it's me.

Best similie ever: she had a lip gloss with a wand that pushed her lips around like a snow plow. - service included

frustrated and disappointed

Some days I just need my friends.  In particular, I wanted to talk to E, who is my constant bitching buddy.  Except, usually it’s her who’s bitching and I’m being the loving consoling friend.  In return, I get back “oh, you’re such a good friend, what would I do without you?”  Indeed.

So, as an aside, bed bugs wage psychological warfare.  Just for the record.  Sleep deprivation, anyone?

And what do you need in times of war? You’re friends.

Granted, she didn’t know what I was going through.  I don’t hold it against her that she didn’t answer the phone.

What I did resent, however, was a message from her today going on about how everything was just “so much” and she was having trouble with it all, so she just decided not to answer my call yesterday.  Sorry. Bye.

Ok, for the record, everything has been “so much” since I met her almost 15 years ago.  And I have always been there to listen.  Did it ever occur to her that maybe what I was dealing with also was “so much”, and I was hoping for a little goddamn reciprocity, instead of just to shoot the shit and listen to her tales of woe?

No.

Well, fuck you.

I know damn well what you’re getting out of this relationship.  What am I getting out of it?

Not even a dial tone.

FW: couple things

Love this exchange

On Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 8:47 AM, wifey wrote:

a)      When you come for lunch today, can you bring my badge? (it should be on my dresser or similar area by the foot of the bed) And my One Fifth Avenue book? Or any other book off my library shelf?
b)      Can you confirm with the office about how the apartment was treated (heat and/or insecticide?) and if adjacent apartments are being/were treated?
c)       Do we have any Cargill turkey products in our possession? There’s a recall  www.cargill.com/turkey-recall
d)      Love you love you love you

See you at noon
x-*
R

From: hubby
Sent: Thursday, August 04, 2011 11:21 AM
To: wifey
Subject: Re: couple things

yes I will bring you badge and book.

they did both heat and insecticide the first time, and doing another insecticide spray next thursday. the tech said it can take up to 60 days for the insecticide to take hold, but assured that it works.

no toxic turkey :-D

loveyou loveyou loveyou

knitting note to self

 (planning on using this with that stellar Hermoine sweater!)

In other knitting news, I finished my second spiral scarf, but it only spiraled for about 18" out of 72. So I frogged it, and decided to knit one almost just like it except it's knit horizontally with short rows for shaping, with a nice lacey pattern for interest.  Only thing is, it's not mindless, so I can't really do it at work.  Although i've more or less gotten to the point where I think I could.

But that's ok, because I started another scarf that is SUPER easy, and I love it so much.  It's what I thought the first project with this yarn would be like.  Oh well.  C'est la vie.

Tomorrow:  play day with Mama with some other stuff thrown in.  Have I mentioned how much I truly despise bed bugs?!?!

It's safe to say ..

I just want to go home to a non-buggy bed.  Is that so much to ask?