My Funk

What the hell is wrong with me?

What is really so wrong with my life?

Ok, so your mom just got out of the hospital, and she hadn't been in one for her own sake since you were born.

So some douche you went to high school with says assanine things on facebook and has no idea that he's actually talking about you.

So you're marriage isn't perfect, and life is not fair.

So. What.

And yet, here I am.  I just want to curl up in a ball and tune out the whole world.  I don't want my friends.  I don't want my husband.  I don't want to deliver papers at ungodly hours of the morning.  Is this what depression is?

I was raised in my faith.  I love it.  And yet, I find myself questioning it.  I still consider myself part of the congregation, but my whole world feels upside down.  My husband is a good man, but not a religious one.  Which is fine.  I never had any expectations of marrying someone of my own faith.  Too small a pool.  And also, foreign.  I would be hard pressed to find a married couple where both are from my denomination.  But right now, I so want him to understand.  And I know that will never happen.

So many of the people I would lean on in this situation are busy tending to my mother.  And really, that's as it should be.  She is the one who needs it.  I'm just being whiny and tempermental and idiotic.

And yet, I can't stop crying.  Over the stupidist things.

My birthday is coming up, and I have no desire to see anyone, get anything, do anything.  I have been invited to half a dozen social events, and yet I always come up with an excuse not to go.  And yet, if I call or text someone, and they don't return, I feel rejected.  Well fuck them anyway.  Who the hell cares, right?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I need out.