5 years

A long time ago, I met a boy who was visiting a friend of mine from out of state.  He was devastatling handsome, and a flirt, and thought I was beautiful, elegant and sexy.  I was 17, and he was 16.  We got to emailing, and then talking, and eventually, over a year later, he was my date to the senior prom.  I loved him deeply, and I thought, one day, we would get married.

But like most parts of the life you envision for yourself at 19, things don't always work out that way.  For 5 years, we dated long distance.  I would go there in the summer, and he would come here at New Years.  We snuck in other visits when we could.  We talked on the phone every night.  He was my first.

Eventually I met the man I would marry.  And I realized all the things that were missing from my long-distance relationship: we lived separate lives, our paths headed in different directions.  It was no ones fault, just a symptom of the set-up.  I made an extremely difficult decision, and ended things with my out-of-state boyfriend.  Two months later, I was engaged.

I love my husband more than anything in this world.  Things aren't perfect, but they never are.  And I don't regret a single decision I've made.

But I still think of him.  Not everyday.  Maybe not even every month.  But often enough for a married woman.  And I repeat in my head the words I wrote to him in my last letter: "I wish you the very best.  And I hope someday you will understand.  If I have to be the bitch until that day comes, I accept it.  Because I know you will make someone the very best husband and father."

Today I discovered that he is engaged.  Facebook is amazing that way.  She is tall and a little bit round, with a beautiful smile and long, blonde curly hair.  And although it still makes me kind of sad,  I am so, so happy for him.  He deserves it, and I wish them all the best.

I don't know that I'll ever get the chance to say all this him.  Despite all our memories together, things did not end so kindly.  So I'm writing them here, in the hopes that somehow by sending them into the ether, he will get my blessings, and not care who they're from.